February 18th 2015, a day I will never forget. The day my best friend and partner in this damamged world took his own life.
I've been lost since. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Sometimes I just feel as if I'm this empty shell of a being just watching my life pass me by. Josh Aubrey Jones, born on July 25th 1973, after spending the best 11 years of his life with me finally gave into the internal war that was apparent when I met him. This suicidal ideation that the world would be better off without him caused my kind heart to take a closer look, and I saw a beautiful Artistic soul who did NOT belong comitted to a hospital pychiatric facility at 33 years old all because he couldn't love himself...my codependant nature took over...If I gave this man the love he never experienced then his will to live would return and I would be the one responsible for bringing him back to life aand I loved that feeling. The idea that I could contribute to saving this man's life and showing him what he never had fulfilled me in a way I cant describe.
I suppose that's why Codependantcy is a real condition.
Now I am going to share something with you I have kept hidden for quite sometime, however the risk in people knowing the truth versus the reward in knowing my writing could help just one person makes this whole blogging idea worth it and my telling what happened to me "riskworthy".
I was born with a condition known as endometriosis, which during my menstrual cycle caused me the kind of pain compared to childbirth. Needless to say I was put on narcotic painkillers from the age of 18-29 years old. During this time I had no idea the physical dependance I would develope and how easily I was masking emotional pain at the same time...for years I got used to living under the slavery of these prescriptons and never pictured after losing Josh just how badly I would end up and so quickly. Two years and I've become my own worst nightmare.
Nobody wants to admit their an addict. It's a shameful disease however there is such an epidemic going on in our country I feel it is my duty to report my experience with the biggest killer of all right now...Fetanyl. I was going on 90 days without a substance and over these past 2 years I've been a victim of domestic violence, severe trauma, lied to about being loved when looking back, the man I developed a relationship with, who promised he loved me and would always be there for me just used me for my money and my scripts in order to remain active in his addiction. We decided to go into treatment together and stuck it out. I felt closer to him then ever at this point, all the letters professing his love did fill that void inside, I felt lucky to have a man who not only understood me but accepted me and wanted, so I thought to move forward and live a happy simple clean life. The visits stopped of nowhere, I would drop letters and money, cigarettes ect. while he was in holding waiting for a halfway house. Planning for the future I got an apartment for us for when he got out of holding, but where was he? What was he thinking? I sensed something was off I just couldnt put my finger on it because I truly believed he loved me. Once the holidays passed and I never got a call but knew he was being moved to Boston bc the last time we spoke I asked him, do you still want this to work between us if your going to Boston? He answered yes. So when I was left hanging I felt used and even more lost. It was as if I didn't matter anymore and all I had been through and all the lies I was told over the previous 1 1/2 years about being loved when really I wasn't shook me to the core. How many more people in my life are going to tell me they love me and then leave?
About a week later I snorted my first line of pure fentanyl, triggered by my achey knees and joints, I was justified in my doing it. "Why should I suffer in pain", I suffer from arthritis and patella femoral syndrome and after my historectomy at 29, at which point I was being precribed dilaudid was when my Dr. decided he had to cut me off due to the CDC cracking down on the amount of opiates being prescribed in our country. He just simply said there's Suboxone and Methadone to help you acheive the best qualty of life moving forward...however after researching these drugs used as replacement therapy, I discovered they were not only more highly addictive but they were synthetically designed in a lab and not derived directly from a plant. By this law being passed it left many patients unable to get their medication and due to the intense withdrawal after being on these kinds of meds, given to you by your Dr., even just taking them exactly as prescribed, patients will experience intense sickness to the point that most people look for anything to take that withdrawal away, and conveinantly right when the CDC passed that law is exactly when the fentanyl was becoming so big that people were overdosing left and right. Another depopulation scheme perhaps? What I can say is that within a month I was so hooked I couldnt seem to kick it myself and even going in to a facilty for help wasn't able to manage my symptoms and there isnt much online regarding detoxing from pure fentanyl, so I wanted to document my experience to help those out there feeling like theres noting they can do to kick this bad habit. Two words, first step, WEEN DOWN, before stopping completely. If theres a way you can ween down and then take a mild opiate for three days before stopping all together. In my next post I will title it specifically on my detox recipe as I know some of you are still out there struggling, and my only wish is to take my experience and give back.