Friday, February 14, 2014

Monday, May 15th 2017

     February 18th 2015, a day I will never forget.  The day my best friend and partner in this damamged world took his own life.

    I've been lost since.  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  Sometimes I just feel as if I'm this empty shell of a being just watching my life pass me by.  Josh Aubrey Jones, born on July 25th 1973, after spending the best 11 years of his life with me finally gave into the internal war that was apparent when I met him.  This suicidal ideation that the world would be better off without him caused my kind heart to take a closer look, and I saw a beautiful Artistic soul who did NOT belong comitted to a hospital pychiatric facility at 33 years old all because he couldn't love codependant nature took over...If I gave this man the love he never experienced then his will to live would return and I would be the one responsible for bringing him back to life aand I loved that feeling.  The idea that I could contribute to saving this man's life and showing him what he never had fulfilled me in a way I cant describe.

                            I suppose that's why Codependantcy is a real condition.

   Now I am going to share something with you   I have kept hidden for quite sometime, however the risk in people knowing the truth versus the reward in knowing my writing could help just one person makes this whole blogging idea worth it and my telling what happened to me "riskworthy".

  I was born with a condition known as endometriosis, which during my menstrual cycle caused me the kind of pain compared to childbirth.  Needless to say I was put on narcotic painkillers from the age of 18-29 years old.  During this time I had no idea the physical dependance I would develope and how easily I was masking emotional pain at the same time...for years I got used to living under the slavery of these prescriptons and never pictured after losing Josh just how badly I would end up and so quickly.  Two years and I've become my own worst nightmare.

  Nobody wants to admit their an addict.  It's a shameful disease however there is such an epidemic going on in our country I feel it is my duty to report my experience with the biggest killer of all right now...Fetanyl.  I was going on 90 days without a substance and over these past 2 years I've been a victim of domestic violence, severe trauma, lied to about being loved when looking back, the man I developed a relationship with, who promised he loved me and would always be there for me just used me for my money and my scripts in order to remain active in his addiction.  We decided to go into treatment together and stuck it out.  I felt closer to him then ever at this point, all the letters professing his love did fill that void inside, I felt lucky to have a man who not only understood me but accepted me and wanted, so I thought to move forward and live a happy simple clean life.  The visits stopped of nowhere, I would drop letters and money, cigarettes ect. while he was in holding waiting for a halfway house. Planning for the future I got an apartment for us for when he got out of holding, but where was he?  What was he thinking?  I sensed something was off I just couldnt put my finger on it because I truly believed he loved me.  Once the holidays passed and I never got a call but knew he was being moved to Boston bc the last time we spoke I asked him, do you still want this to work between us if your going to Boston?  He answered yes.  So when I was left hanging I felt used and even more lost.  It was as if I didn't matter anymore and all I had been through and all the lies I was told over the previous 1 1/2 years about being loved when really I wasn't shook me to the core.  How many more people in my life are going to tell me they love me and then leave?
      About a week later I snorted my first line of pure fentanyl, triggered by my achey knees and joints, I was justified in my doing it.  "Why should I suffer in pain", I suffer from arthritis and patella femoral syndrome and after my historectomy at 29, at which point I was being precribed dilaudid was when my Dr. decided he had to cut me off due to the CDC cracking down on the amount of opiates being prescribed in our country. He just simply said there's Suboxone and Methadone to help you acheive the best qualty of life moving forward...however after researching these drugs used as replacement therapy, I discovered they were not only more highly addictive but they were synthetically designed in a lab and not derived directly from a plant.  By this law being passed it left many patients unable to get their medication and due to the intense withdrawal after being on these kinds of meds, given to you by your Dr., even just taking them exactly as prescribed, patients will experience intense sickness to the point that most people look for anything to take that withdrawal away, and conveinantly right when the CDC passed that law is exactly when the fentanyl was becoming so big that people were overdosing left and right.  Another depopulation scheme perhaps?  What I can say is that within a month I was so hooked I couldnt seem to kick it myself and even going in to a facilty for help wasn't able to manage my symptoms and there isnt much online regarding detoxing from pure fentanyl, so I wanted to document my experience to help those out there feeling like theres noting they can do to kick this bad habit.  Two words, first step, WEEN DOWN, before stopping completely.  If theres a way you can ween down and then take a mild opiate for three days before stopping all together.  In my next post I will title it specifically on my detox recipe as I know some of you are still out there struggling, and my only wish is to take my experience and give back.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Thursday, May 16, 2013

March Against Monsanto ! World Event Schedule for May 25th 2013 ! Please...

Thursday, May 16th 2013, 8:30am

        I'm really starting to see how EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON and WE ATTRACT EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED .....(if we ask that is, sometimes people would rather dwell in their state of misery....hhhmmm not me! :))  So anyway my point is, I'm feeling really blessed in my life right now....Financially I'm still struggling, a "starving", though I'm not technically starving, so I could  say "struggling" but anyway, who isn't in this country right now....or this planet I should say.....

         What I'm seeing more and more is how regardless of the circumstance or situation I somehow KNOW inside that this is ONLY temporary and everything will all work out because I have a plan.  Baby Steps, Dont freak over the stuff I can't control right now...."IT IS what IT IS"....acceptance is HUGE.  We muck things all up b/c we tend to get all caught up in the Emotion of it all, Emotion only exists in the EGO however though so if we can learn how to NOT allow our feelings to manifest themselves into actions ect....I think you get my point.

      I'm just thankful because I was in a very dark place not to long ago and just recently I began praying and asking "the air"(literally I would talk into thin air)... to show me a sign that I was in the right state at least for now and that everything would be okay.....  and I always believed in a divine creator and I do refer to it as my GOD, but at this time I was questioning the details of what I believed......anyway....about a month or so later I received my sign loud and clear.....

     On my way to record with these 2 guys I had never met before I received what I refer to as "my guiding light".  I was being asked to sing and work on this project with this "singer" Lets call him "Mike", so Mike heard me singing at the horrible audition I had with the band he had been covering for, "Hard Candy".... that I think I mentioned in my last post "pitch bitch" as we are headed there we have to turn onto "Tiffany Rd." before arriving at the home/studio of Gary (the Engineer/Producer) and Eddie(The Lyricist/Musician).
      Now it wasn't until I met and got to work with Gary specifically that I realized that all of this is one of those things that really makes you believe there is something behind the scenes watching, driving, helping you and sometimes I almost think it's you being so connected to yourself and your inner power that I asked for help and I provided myself.   I mean....I essentially chose to go to that audition, where I met Mike, who called me and asked me to meet Gary/Eddie and sing with him, of which point in time I met my answer to my prayers.  Gary believes in me and supports me musically like a father would support his child...(I never had ANY support when it came to making singing a career, I remember being told it was a hobby and to shut up when I would sing in the house, or in the shower growing up, it seemed like my mother resented me for my I annoyed her....and today.... 20 years later she only texts/calls/keeps in touch for holidays and my birthday...every other day I'm on my's obvious now she never LOVED me and I'm accepting that.. you can see by the difference in the way my sister/brother is treated).....I'm grateful for my Producer Gary though.....he absolutely believes in my gift so much that he has reignited that flame and I'm beginning to really believe in myself, which I just recently realized I never truly did believe in myself.  I haven't felt this alive in a longtime.  I've written 4 songs so far and laid down 3, this album will be done in no time, I'm auditioning left and right again, and I have one tomorrow that is for a big role so let me tootles.
Doesn't ANYONE listen anymore? I'm SO tired of people.  I don't even know where to direct this so I'll just use the term people because it just seems like everyone is "out to lunch"....I have to repeat myself and deal with losers wondering if I'm mad at them or not b/c THEY CAN'T PAY ATTENTION and have self esteem issues and read into stuff WAY too deep? Why should I have to waste time with insecure energy suckers that basically do just that....drain me so I can't get anything done until I get on my lil "secret" weapon, writing, though I'm finding typing is easier on my joints, I think I have carpel tunnel or whatever....anyway.....

I Feel...............Annoyed....I wasted SO much time helping everyone else basically to avoid facing my own stuff, but nonetheless, that is the situation. Now I'm in my 30's and feeling my sharpest mentally as I have really taken a particular interest in my overall well-being and have started listening to binaural beats to decalcify my pineal gland, which has been all blocked up from the flouride I've ingested over the years, look it up, anywayas I have started to feel better and feel more connected to myself, I realize I need to relocate more than ever....the people I'm surrounded with are straight up STUPID....most people don't take the time to do this stuff to better themselves and they look at what I'm talking about as BS cause where is the information on any of it? Why havent they heard about it? have you ever thought maybe
"they" didnt want you to hear about it? thats why prior to 1995 all information had been destroyed....hhhhmmmm interesting....We are so powerful but the pharmaceuticals make us weak and broken and dependant.....Being dependant and a slave to a system is no fun and that is where we are headed.....just a few more years mark my words, the end is near.....we need to stop being cuaght up in our EGO's and start paying the ________ attention!